It’s an ugly business

Elections are looming, so it might be worth going over a few pointers. These have nothing to do with how to vote or even how to find the nearest polling booth. These tips are for politicians. So if you aren’t a politician, feel free to move on to the crossword.

Alrighty. With climate change, floods, fires, rapidly increasing inequality, corruption, fake news and the prospect of a global conflagration, it is important to keep front of mind the most important goal: retaining your job. Or, if you are on an opposition team: obtaining the job.

Doing that can seem overwhelmingly complicated, which is where these handy tips can prove useful.

The first thing to remember is that politics is show-biz for ugly people. It’s all about glitz and fuzzy feelings.

Whenever possible use emotional language. For example don’t talk about ‘policing’, talk about ‘community security’.

Don’t talk about ‘exhausted health workers’, talk about ‘heroes’. Get it?

Next, make it short. Three word slogans. The silent majority is silent because they don’t care and base their decisions on pre-packaged sound-bites regurgitated during newstainment shows: ‘Can-do capitalism’, ‘Jobs and growth’, ‘Build back better’, ‘Shake ’n’ bake’. None of them have to be based on reality, they just need to slither easily off the forked tongue.

If you’ve already got a job as a polly you’re looking good because incumbents have an advantage which can be enhanced while the voters are busy not caring about politics. Work on keeping their political apathy levels high.

Keep those big sporting events going – even when everything else is ruined by Covid rules.

Don’t forget that lies are okay now. The public has been weaned off expectations of truth. Politicians rate just below cockroaches and freeway traffic jams, so don’t expect to be rewarded at the polls by any woke snowflake attitudes to veracity.

Finally, always remember your ABCs (Always Be Campaigning), but don’t call the election until you look like you’ve been rolled in glitter. Remember: it’s show-biz baby!